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May. 23rd, 2012

Lily

Haiku Hump-day: Charlotte Was Here

Above my desk: a
ball of pulled cotton candy,
hiding spider eggs.

***

When I pointed out the egg sack to the Esposo, he dutifully went to fetch a napkin to dispose of it. The hatching of thousands of baby spiders above my head whilst writing seemed less like inspiration and more like a major, horrifying distraction. Unfortunately, the Patoot is quick on the up-take these days.

PATOOT: Those are spider eggs!

ME: Yes. Daddy's going to take care of it.

PATOOT: DON'T LET HIM HURT THE BABY SPIDERS.

ESPOSO: (returning to room, napkin in hand) Errr. (looks at me)

ME: I do not want countless spiders born on top of my head.

ESPOSO: (to PATOOT) Don't worry, honey. I'll just move the eggs. Somewhere, um, safe.

The ESPOSO gently plucks the egg sack off the ceiling. He jumps back in surprise.

ME: What?! Did you DROP IT?

ESPOSO: No, a spider just fell on me.

PATOOT: THAT WAS THE MOMMY SPIDER! DON'T KILL THE MOMMY SPIDER!!!

ME: And I thought watching "Charlotte's Web" was a good idea...


Fin.



Of course, if real spiders were as cute and talented as Ms. Charlotte here, this wouldn't be an issue.

May. 22nd, 2012

Lily

Am I Mom Enough?

I bet you thought I was going to start ranting and raving about that now-infamous TIME magazine cover story about attached parenting, didn't you?

PSYCHE!

Actually, I'm only alluding to it because of a joke a friend of mine cracked to me when I admitted that my ALMOST THREE YEAR OLD BOY OMG WHAT HAPPENED needs to be weaned off his bedtime bottle...

ME: I have to break Eams of his bottle habit before his birthday on Friday.
FRIEND: Pfffft. No you don't. Not according to TIME, anyway. In fact, you should still be breastfeeding him, what's wrong with you?

(everyone laughs)

But back to me. Yes. I have allowed the Munchkin one bottle at bedtime throughout his second year of life, despite the fact I went totally cold turkey on Patoot the instant she turned one. And she didn't even really miss it. BECAUSE SHE WAS SO YOUNG. I am beginning to realize I have done my sweet little boy a huge disservice by indulging him this one "baby" habit because now that he's older, it's going to be so much harder for him to give it up.

Last night the Esposo and I realized we didn't have any of the Munchkin's special formula left. Since he's allergic to life, he can only drink this one, crazy-expensive kind. For a while I convinced myself that I was at least getting the kiddo extra nourishment by giving into his bottle fixation, but I digress. I KNEW the Esposo was not about to go out and spend $25 on a can of formula when our agreed plan was to wean him by three. Which is, um, Friday.

So when my little dude asked for his usual bottle, we had to say, "Sorry, buddy. There isn't any left. How about a song? Another story? Would you like to sit in the rocking chair with me? Something? Anything?"

You guys. He was so. So. SAD. He didn't even throw a standard tantrum, per se — he just cried as though he'd lost his best friend. It KILLED me.

Esposo eventually shooed me from the room so I could read Patoot her bedtime book. She takes a notoriously long time to fall asleep (she gets that from me, poor thing) but she still managed to nod off before a certain disgruntled and sad-faced little boy. I went back into his room after getting her to sleep, plucked him from the Esposo's lap, and sat back down on the rocking chair with him. It took a few (million) renditions of "Dancing Bears" from Anastasia, but eventually he let me put him down in his bed.

ME: Are you ready to sleep, buddy?
MUNCHKIN: Yeah.
ME: Do you want me to stay on the chair or are you all set?
MUNCHKIN: I all set.

And that was that.

So. Am I mom enough to take away a part of the Munchkin's babyhood — something he has depended on to soothe him for so long? Apparently, yes.

But I don't have to like it.



MUNCHKIN: It's ok, Mommy. I am sure I will eventually come to forgive you. After a few thousand dollars worth of therapy, of course. You've got insurance, right?

May. 16th, 2012

Lily

Haiku Hump-day: Little Charmer

"Mommy! I lub your
ponytail. It's beautiful."
Oh, kid. You got me.




A charmer AND a fabulous accessorizor. He's really the whole package.

May. 11th, 2012

Lily

(Another) Quickie Dialogue: Bathroom Talk

The scene: The MUNCHKIN'S bedroom, this afternoon. I am finally getting him dressed after the world's longest tubby.

ME: Look at you! You're all prune-y! Prune-y fingers, prune-y toes, prune-y—

MUNCHKIN: Prune-y peeeeenis!

ME: ...

ME: Yes.

MUNCHKIN: Prune-y POOPS!

ME: Hey.

MUNCHKIN: Pooooooops! Poopy-poops peeeeeeeeeenis! Hahahahaha!

ME: (sternly) Excuse me. No bathroom talk unless you are IN the bathroom. Got it?

MUNCHKIN: Ohhh-kay,Mommy. Sor-ry!

I finish getting him dressed. He grins at me, runs out of his bedroom, and makes a beeline for the bathroom. As soon as he's passed the bathroom's threshold...

MUNCHKIN: (exuberantly) POOOOOOPS! Hahahahaha!

ME: You are too young to be this sly, kid.


Fin.
Lily

Quickie Dialogue: Sing-Along

The scene: Just now, the bathroom. The MUNCHKIN is taking a tubby.

MUNCHKIN: Mommy, you sing with me?

ME: Ok, what do you want to want to sing?

MUNCHKIN: Ready? One! Two! Free! Four! TAKE me out to da BALL GAME! TAKE me out to da CROWD!...

The MUNCHKIN and I proceed to sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."

ME: (clapping) Very good!

MUNCHKIN: And a one! Two! Free! Four! Fibe! LET'S go FLY a KITE! Up to da highest LIGHT!...

Scrambling to catch up, I join in singing "Let's Go Fly a Kite" from Mary Poppins.

ME: (clapping again) Yay! That was fu–

MUNCHKIN: (now waving his arms like a conductor) AND a ONE! TWO! FREE! FOUR! FIBE! Dis old man! He played ONE. He played knick-knack on my DRUM!...

Once again, I jump into the next number.

ME: Ok! That was great buddy. Now let's–

MUNCHKIN: Aaaaaaaaand a ONE! TWO! FREE! A B C D E F G....

ME: This is quite a musical montage you've got going on here. The water is probably getting cold in your tubby.

MUNCHKIN: Mommy. No talking. SING!

Fin.

May. 9th, 2012

Lily

Haiku Hump-day: Moody

Listen, brain. You have
no reason to be cranky.
So snap out of it.

***

I have no idea why, but I have been so damn MOODY all week. I have no patience to speak of, and would rather sleep or veg-out than do anything remotely productive or even FUN.

This morning, for example, the Munchkin came into my room while I was still somewhere between awake and asleep. "Want to come downstairs and have Appa Jax with me, Mommy?" he asked in a bright, hopeful tone, taking my hand in his wee ones. Who could turn down such a delightful invitation, I ask you?

This grump, that's who.

And later it made me realize, my WHOLE FAMILY has been actively trying to engage me in Happy Making conversations and activities since Monday and I have been immune to all of their charms. I seriously need to kick myself in the proverbial behind and rise to the challenge of just being pleasant, dammit.

Maybe it's the rain. Maybe I haven't been sleeping well. Maybe I've been subconsciously mopey about my writing woes. Who knows. Whatever the reason, it isn't good enough.

That said...

May. 8th, 2012

Lily

:(



Oh please don't go, we'll eat you up, we love you so.

May. 7th, 2012

Lily

Quickie Dialogue: The Avengers

The scene: Legacy Place Movie Theater, Lux Level. My MOM, SISTER and I are seeing The Avengers together. Behind us are a group of boisterous BROS.

BRO 1: (As ScarJo's character saunters into a scene wearing skin-tight pants) She's got some good ASSets. Heh heh.

BRO 2: ASSets! Hehehehehe. Ass.

BRO 3: wait, what did she just say to that guy? She's been "compromised?..."

BRO 1: She said she wants him to "COMPROMISE her." Hehehehe.

BROS 1, 2, 3: Hehehehehehe...

MOM: How OLD are these guys behind us? Twelve?

ME: Considering you have to be 21 to get in here, I would say significantly older.

SISTER: Hehehehe, "compromised."


Fin.

May. 5th, 2012

Lily

Dialogue: Zen, Part 2

The scene: The living room, this afternoon. We've just come home from lunch and a fun visit to the Providence Children's Museum. The ESPOSO is preparing to leave for a radio show and the MUNCHKIN is asleep. The INSANE CLOWN BEAGLE is outside. All seems quiet.

PATOOT: Mommy, can I do your yoga class with you now?

ME: Well, I don't see why not. Let's get the yoga mats.

A few minutes later, we are all set up in the living room, two yoga mats spread out and my 45 minute yoga class queued-up on the laptop. Mother and Daughter go through the first five minutes in a Zen-like calm.

MUNCHKIN: (from upstairs) Mommy?

ME: Oh boy.

The MUNCHKIN toddles downstairs into the living room.

MUNCHKIN: Whatcha watchin?

ESPOSO: (packing to go) They're doing yoga, buddy.

MUNCHKIN: I do yoga too!

YOGA LADY: ...now a nice, rounded back for Cat Pose...

MUNCHKIN: (crawls underneath me like I'm a bridge) You a CAT, Mommy!

ME: Meow.

MUNCHKIN: Hahahahahaha! You a CAT.

PATOOT: Ayyyy-mon. Yoga is PEACEFUL. Stop talking.

ME: Honey, you can do yoga with us, but you have to do it in your own space.

ESPOSO: (walking out door) Ok, bye guys!

The ESPOSO leaves. For a moment, there is controlled chaos.

YOGA LADY: ...sloooowly bring your right foot up into Tree Pose...

MUNCHKIN: (begins running around PATOOT) Ring around the rosy! Pocket full of posy! (he knocks into her; she falls down)

PATOOT: AYYY-MON! MOM! Eamon knocked me out of Tree Pose!

ME: (restrains from yelling "Timber!") Eamon, stop banging into your sister.

YOGA LADY: ....now back into Downward-facing Dog...

At this point, the INSANE CLOWN BEAGLE (ICB) sniffs her way into the scene. She trots onto PATOOT's yoga mat.

PATOOT: OW! Mommmmmm! The beagle stepped on my HAIR.

ME: (shoos the dog) Holly. Go lay down.

The ICB proceeds to lay down on MY yoga mat.

ME: Oh sweet Jesus.

MUNCHKIN: Holly do yoga too! Hahahaha!

ME: Yesss. Look. Lily, just keep following the Yoga Lady, ok?

PATOOT: (deep, indignant sigh) Ohhh-kay, Mommy.

YOGA LADY: ...rise up into inverted plank...

The MUNCHKIN starts drumming on PATOOT's belly while it's in the air. She is half furious, half amused and they both fall on top of each other laughing and fighting, intermittently.

ME: Ok, I'm turning this off, guys.

CHILDREN: NO!!! We LIKE Yoga!!!!

YOGA LADY: ...releasing the tension...

ME: Fat chance, lady.


Fin.

May. 3rd, 2012

Lily

Writer's Nook Re-do Recap

As I sit here at my new, fabulously organized writer's nook, staring at the next chapter I have to write — a look of frozen, writer's block related terror on my face — I have decided now would be a PERFECT time to show you guys the Before and After pictures from the re-do.

As I mentioned, my good friend and old college roomie Jenn came to visit from New York. But it wasn't just a casual visit. She had PLANS, my friends. Big, big plans. She's been following the up and down saga of writing book 2 and thought, if nothing else, a dedicated writing spot would be a step in the right direction towards helping me reach my goal.

We had a few hurdles to hop first, however. The first being this:



That abomination was Patoot's art area. Apparently, she has inherited her parents' organizational talents. ANYway. Jenn and I decided to relocate her art desk to the other side of the room (the dining room, in case you are interested) and put my desk in its place. Mainly because the outlet is on this side. So we spent an entire morning going through a mountain of kid art, chucking the half-hearted ones and keeping the masterpieces. I ruthlessly tossed broken crayons, scrap paper and dry play-dough. Finally, her now-clear desk moved to its new home, we had a space to put my desk.

Which lead us to our second hurdle:



For almost three years, this thing has been languishing in my bedroom, after we had to turn our office/guest room into Lily's big girl bedroom so her baby brother could move into the nursery. At first I had the delusional notion that I would just write in my bedroom, but as Esposo and I piled more and more extraneous crap on top of it, it was clear the desk was nothing more than another flat space to, well, store extraneous crap on. Clearing off my own abomination took just as long as it did to clean up Patoot's area, and to be honest I'm not even done. I just left a lot of the mess in spare laundry baskets in my bedroom to be sifted through another day. Maybe this weekend? Hope springs eternal.

ANYway. Esposo was home from work at this point, so he helped me carry the now-empty desk downstairs to its new home:



Now this was starting to look like a proper writer's nook! Jenn and I stepped back to regard it.

JENN: No offense, but it's kind of an ugly desk, huh?

ME: No offense taken. It IS an ugly desk. I think we bought it for $50 at Office Max.

JENN: We can totally spruce it up. Let's do some research.

So we popped onto the Almighty Interwebs to see how one might paint laminated "wood." As it turned out, it's not really recommended. And the blogs we actually found with step-by-step instructions suggested waiting 24 hours between each step of the process. No time for that, Dr. Jones. Jenn had a bus to catch the next day.

ME: What if we...I dunno. Added a trim or something. Like molding?

JENN: We could do that! Where's the nearest Home Depot?

So the intrepid DIY'ers headed off into the night (for it was 9pm by now) in search of molding. We found some, and asked a super-cute 17 year old kid to cut it to our specs. Delighted with our fabulous idea, we trundled back to my house where we painted the molding with the same glossy white as the trim in the dining room. Then we went to bed, letting the pieces dry overnight.

Next day, we spent the morning at The Container Store where Jenn bought me a few desk-organizer things as part of what she called my "Writer's Grant." Of course, we couldn't just get a standard cork board, etc., so we found pretty deskware that would inspire as well as organize. On the way home we picked up Patoot from school. She was delighted with her new art area:



...but a little jealous of my new desk bling (she was especially covetous of my bird magnets).

While the kids had a snack, Jenn and I hammered the now-dry white molding onto the desk. Jenn started it, but then had me knock in a few nails as well. Actually, it was more than a few as I kept bending them and had to start over. I also *may* have cracked the molding in a few places. Patoot looked on, shaking her head at me.

PATOOT: You are NOT doing regular Mommy Things today, Mommy.

ME: Well, (bang!) it's good to try new things! (bang! bends another nail) Shi– er, shoot!

PATOOT: Jenn is much better at this than you, isn't she, Mommy?

Jenn assured me a little paint touch-up would hide my glaring mistakes. So I grabbed the paint can and was about to shake it up a little, when it slipped from my hands and fell to the floor. The lid, which was not on very tightly apparently, popped off and glossy white paint pooled all over my dining room floor.

ME: SHIT!

PATOOT: You REALLY aren't good at this stuff, are you, Mommy?

Miraculously, Jenn and I cleaned my humungous mess up. Patoot even helped by scrubbing the white out of cracks in the floor with an old toothbrush. She found it all very exciting.

In the end, all the dramatics paid off, because the molding came out great:



In fact, the whole thing came out fantastic:




It's attractive, neat, functional, and in a great location. It's everything an aspiring writer could ever hope for (save an actual office of her own).

Which is why it's SO DAMN INFURIATING that I am having a major case of writer's block today. Oh well. At least I now have a lovely desk area on which to bang my head in frustration.

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Lily

May 2012

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